I’ve been away from “blogging” for a while. My focuses have been on other things in my life: music, relationships, work, traveling, and just doing life. But the past couple of months have been harsh to me. Through a series of difficult events I’ve found myself on the wrong side of busy-ness, frustration, and some medical situations. I’ve been frustrated about being behind at work, discouraged at my lack of health, and pissed off at God. As fate would have it, I’ve had great people and mediums pouring into me, encouraging me, and pushing me to find peace with these struggles. I must say that finding peace is much easier said than done.
I look and look and look and look for reasons to be joyful and glad in my situation: what feels like a perpetual state of inability to perform at 100% at all aspects of my current life, especially my career, is only met with something ELSE crumbling from beneath me whenever I feel like I’ve found some sort of silver lining to grab ahold of. I can enjoy moments of peace and joy, serenity even, but the realization of things being worked out under my feet to the reoccurring “Bottom-Falling-Out” has nearly beaten me. I feel weak and depleted of energy. It’s a humiliating and humbling experience.
But it’s in that realization that maybe that’s the point. Humiliation to the point of humbling. A realization of my own personal weakness. But why? After all, I’m a pretty good person. I work in a church, and when I’m not doing that, I’m usually out traveling the country with these songs of hope trying to promote this idea that there is something to look toward, a bright and shining hope glimmering in the sky, enticing us, calling us all to join with Him in the majesty and glory that is the creation of the Heavens and the Earth. I feel like my poetry that matches with my music is the ultimate ministry, the ultimate reason for keeping a guy like me healthy and able. When I think of all of this, I find myself more angry with this God of the Universe, frustrated because He’s messing everything up. My plans are falling apart. How can I be productive if my plans continue to get frustrated and hijacked time and time again?!?
———————————–
“He causes His sun to rise on the evil AND the good, and sends rain on the righteous AND the unrighteous.” -Jesus, Matthew 5:45b
This verse came to my mind the other night when I was in one of my frustrated fits as I couldn’t fall asleep, which is a key element to getting over a sickness. I immediately asked God why he couldn’t just one of these times instead let it just rain on someone unrighteous. “I don’t deserve this kind of crap!” I said in frustration. Then, I swear to you as real and you are reading this, I heard it. A quiet whisper that honestly just frustrated me more, but also hit me hard where it hurts:
“It is raining on the unrighteous.”
I’m a broken man. I’m truly and honestly broken. Which is why I started trying to convince God that I am not so. I tried telling him that I’ve learned the lessons He’s trying to teach me, and I got the points. So I’ve gone from unrighteousness to righteousness, therefore deserved to have these heavy and frustrating times taken off of my shoulders.
Silence.
I think that God stopped talking to me because He knows how I work. My family knows that if I’m argumentative and am trying to prove my point with invalid facts, they just have to make their one valid point and wait for me. I’m not only a broken man, but kind of a slow one at times. I’ll continue arguing and saying that their argument and point is crap, but I’ll walk away and not 10 minutes later start kicking myself for not realizing the truth sooner. Seriously, it’s frustrating. So when God made His one-point sermon in one phrase to me, He simply waited. He waited.
———————————–
I’m not healthy, yet. I do believe that the Great Physician is working on me, healing me, and when I wriggle and squirm in fear of distrust, He simply says to me, “Trust me, I’m a doctor,” and I don’t have much point but to watch this Job-like story unfold in front of me. I have to trust this unseen doctor, believing that He has this cure and that He is my healer. Honestly, it’s difficult. There’s no cure for what I have, and there are some repercussions that I’ve acquired from the original sickness, and the earthly doctors tell me all that can heal me is time. So here I am waiting. Just like He waited on my to get it, I get to wait on Him to finish molding my mind and shaping my story with this season of life. And so, I wait. And wait. And trust. And wait.
We can be one, my friends.
-Kevin
———–
Kevin McClure is a songwriter, musical artist, and worship leader. His singing & songwriting has led to him touring the United States both as a performer and worship leader. Kevin lives in Omaha, Nebraska with his wife and two daughters. You can follow him on all social media platforms under @KevinTMcClure.
Kevin McClure 