Worship Leader Strategies: Being Disliked

AUTHOR’S NOTE: This series on worship leader strategies gives systems and suggestions on how to better organize worship ministries as it pertains to planning, training, and practically leading congregations in musical worship. Like most strategy-oriented discussion in ministry, there are no fix-all solutions, but these strategies are suggestions that should help others organize their ministries to better serve their leaders, volunteers, and general congregations.
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A few years ago I was a worship pastor in a mid-size church that had been steadily growing in recent years. This church had just added onto their building and built a 750-seat auditorium, filled with updated tech and a beautiful lobby. I took over the job less than a year after they had built the new space and promptly went to work utilizing the lighting, audio, and visual resources given to me. Additionally, I started changing the song bank and incorporating a new vision into the worship ministry that affected the team and the congregation.

My changes maybe came too quick (another subject for another time) which caused some to dislike me fairly quickly. I lost some team members, sure, but what was really memorable was a note I received after services one week. Someone had taken the time to fill out a communication card as if it were a feedback form on the musical worship. Along with it was a note that read: “Worship is NOT a concert.”

I was a little offended, but really I was just confused. I’m not so unaware that I would think that everybody loved everything I did. But what was confusing was the mode of communication. It was a completely anonymous, crudely handwritten note that had been dropped into the offering box that included a few “suggestions” on what I needed to do differently. As someone who doesn’t fear confrontation, I promptly went to work trying to figure out who sent me the letter. After identifying the individual (yes, I am available for private investigating for a small fee) I sent an email to the congregant thanking him for his input and requesting an opportunity to meet so I can better understand his perspective and feedback. I never received a response.

I share this story to make it clear: some people might just dislike you (or things about you) and have no actual desire to discuss and collaborate. They just want their distaste heard. I should make it clear that I don’t attribute this experience with the entirety of my time as a worship pastor at this church. Honestly, for the few instances of negative feedback I was blessed to receive probably twenty times as much positive feedback. That being said, there are some important realities about being disliked and receiving negative feedback that we as worship leaders need to take into consideration.

you don’t hear it all

Something that I joke about with everyone when I lead worship at a church as a guest is that “all of the feedback is positive!” When you’re a guest, there’s really no opportunity to hear negative feedback because you aren’t around to hear it when the lead pastor receives emails during the week. Not only that, but many people just shrug it off and don’t share their feedback because they know you aren’t going to be back anytime soon and won’t be leading the ministry full-time. However, there is a piece of that that is true even for full-time worship leaders.

You won’t hear all of the feedback because some people feel awkward sharing it. They grin and bear it until they get to the car, and then vent to their spouse or their friend. Other times, and this is especially true for attendees who are not regularly serving or who only come one-to-two times per month, they don’t know how to share their feedback. So even though we need to take all feedback with a grain of salt, we also need to be willing to accept that just because one person has negative feedback doesn’t mean they are the only person who feels that way. They just happen to be the person who knows how to share their thoughts with you.

Now, this same concept is true of positive feedback as well, so don’t get down in the dumps if you hear more negative feedback than positive feedback. Plenty of people simply don’t share their thoughts for one reason or another. The trouble for most of us, however, doesn’t manifest when we receive written or spoken feedback. The real struggle is when we feel that someone genuinely dislikes us as people and as leaders, sometimes to the point where they would choose to leave your ministry because of it.

Losing people

I have enough stories of people disliking my leadership so much that they choose to leave the worship ministry, and some even left the church to pursue relationships in another congregation (usually to jump into a worship ministry that best fits their values). Those instances are discouraging, but not heartbreaking. The ones that really sting are when people have disliked me as a person or have chosen to leave the faith altogether due to our specific interactions. Over the years I’ve had to ask myself and people around me these important questions:

1. Is my disposition toward this person one of pride and arrogance to “manage” them or one of humility and care to build a real relationship with them?
2. Have I given this person adequate opportunity to share their own thoughts and opinions so that they feel heard?
3. Is this situation based on preferences and opinions or a disagreement on facts?
4. Have I been blind to my own sin, and if so what is the sin I need to repent from?
5. Lastly, is this separation better for the Gospel to be shared within the team and among the congregation?

The first four of these questions are based on our personal leadership and spiritual life, things that if the answer swings a certain direction we should be convicted to repentance and potentially to repair damaged relationships. They are all fairly self-explanatory, and the practical application should be handled with pastoral care and, sometimes, third-party mediation. We have to take the truth with humility, and this humble pie is hard to swallow when these questions are answered in ways that shine light on our deficiencies.

The final question, however, has to be stewed on and prayed over. It is not easy to make a determination that losing a person on your team or congregation, especially when they choose to walk away from faith altogether, that it’s actually better for everyone else. There isn’t a set list of criteria that determine this, but I do have a few bullet points that would lead me to take more peace in losing someone in this way:

• This person has been living in unrepentant sin, even though they’ve gone through multiple conversations about it
• They make the rest of the team uncomfortable during rehearsals by their attitude, to the point where others are considering leaving the team instead
• They actively undermine leadership and talk about the “greener grass” in other churches
• They make people of the opposite sex uncomfortable
• They talk about how the “old worship leader” did things better before

None of these are reasons to kick someone out of a team, in my opinion, but would definitely be reasons to confront someone for conversation. However, if someone has left and these are grievances you have against this person (and you’re personally innocent and have not sinned against this person) I would recommend that you don’t feel bad that this person is gone.

the ones who don’t leave

Sometimes it isn’t people leaving, but an act of “domestic terrorism” (a bit dramatic, I know, but it gets my point across). These are the people who are publicly against you, personally dislike you, and probably are unhappy with the direction of the ministry you lead. I always encourage personal conversation and a “kill them with kindness” approach, but sometimes it’s OK to simply choose not to associate with somebody. Sometimes these people refuse to meet or discuss with you. Other times they will meet with you but refuse to hear you out or have no intention of accepting your input. I’ve been there, and it sucks. Let those questions above still guide you in your interactions. Have you been innocent of sin toward them? Do you accept their input, even if you disagree with it? Have you made them feel heard and respected? At some point we really do just need to let the disagreement exist and “live and let live” or “agree to disagree.”

Lastly, may I encourage you to still love that person. Would you desire from the depths of your heart for them to grow in their love and understanding of the Gospel, not just their understanding and agreement with your opinions, preferences, strategies, and convictions. Would you consider this person when crafting talking points and song selections, not to cater to them but to be aware of them in a way to serve their souls. Like Paul and Barnabas, would we be so aware of how good the good news is that we would be willing to still love those who dislike us because Christ is worth elevating above all of that, and pointing others to Him being the primary focus of what we do.

Did this help you as a worship leader? I’d love your feedback! Feel free to comment below with your thoughts or how you and your church organizes your songs! Have a question you’d like me to tackle for “Worship Leader Strategies”? Comment with those below as well, or shoot me an email!

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Kevin McClure has been leading worship in the local church for over 10 years in different capacities of student and adult ministries. As a songwriter, musical artist, and worship leader he has had the honor of touring the United States both as a performer and worship leader over the better part of the last decade. With a heart to see believers learn how to take the act of worship beyond the setting of a group gathering, Kevin is incredibly intentional with his time on and offstage to help teach the practice of worship as a lifestyle. Kevin lives in Omaha, Nebraska with his bride Hailey and his two daughters, Everleigh (8) and Eliska (2). His favorite food is coffee (lifesource), loves bonfires, and is convinced that Jesus is a Chicago Cubs fan.